I Can Sleep When I’m Dead Right??

The last week, I’ve had trouble sleeping. My mind won’t shut down.

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE staying home with my children. Like today, I was able to attend Grady’s Halloween party at school because I have the luxury of staying at home. I think of those moms who work everyday all day and then come home and begin their second job of taking care of their children and the household. I give them so much credit. When faced with the question of me getting a full time job, a part time job, or staying at home I always begin to get queasy.

I have applied for a couple of positions (full time) that I think would’ve been a very good fit (ag related offices). However, after being called for an interview for both I declined. Who does that? The thought of working 8 hours a day and then coming home and taking care of the kids alone, because most nights my husbands not home until they are in bed, scares the living day light out of me. I know I need to suck it up and bite the bullet, but with bipolar even the smallest thing can trigger an episode, and I don’t want that to happen. Often times I start to feel worthless. Like people think I use this disease as an excuse. I promise you I am NOT.

The old me, would’ve done anything in her power to get anything she wanted. The new me, the me I am living in right now can’t even look a person in the eye or not stumble my words when talking to someone even someone as close as my mother in law or aunts and uncles. To most, I come off rude and stuck up but the truth is I have such bad social anxiety that it is so hard to make conversation with people especially small talk. Until I feel totally comfortable with someone I can’t let loose and show the Brittany I like. I literally can’t look people in the eye or even say hi when walking into a group of small or large numbers.

I can write and use my words on paper so easily. So far, writing has been such a release for me. I have 4 finished blogs that I haven’t published, but they are vents for me.

I get so overwhelmed, so EASY. This week with running on barely any sleep, completing a report for work that my boss (I am just helping until they hire someone) gave me literally 24 hours to do and it is a 50 plus page report that has to be sent to DNR twice a year. Then making the kids costumes because I couldn’t break down and buy them when I could make them for less than $10 myself. To running out of medication and not being able to get a hold of my psychiatrist.

The medication I am on, the anti-depressents, mood stabalizer, and xanax to calm my nerves when needed are crucial. If I miss more than a few days things go south quick. I tried to go without my medication once and that landed me in the hospital. It scares me taking all the medication I do, but without it I can’t live normally and if I can’t live normally and take care of myself then I can’t take care of my children. I have discussed this over and over with my psychiatrist (who is AMAZING) that I feel as though the medication is causing memory loss, but he reassures me that I need this to live a normal life for not only myself but my family. Am I ashamed of taking the medication I do, yes but if it keeps me stable enough to not go from wanting to end my life, to spending obscene amounts of money or incredible irritability and rage then I think I need it.

In an episode I can be such a mean person. Things and thoughts eat me alive. I become so envious and jealous of others. So unsure of my life in general. So as I am finishing this week with the insomnia I am having I am worried an episode is on the horizon. I hope within the next couple of days I can get a few hours to myself where I am able to take something to sleep and get caught up on my rest.

Life is tough. It has its roller coasters and I need to learn to buckle in and go along for the ride like everyone else. I promise I am trying.

In the last two weeks I have began to feel those thoughts of blahness and depression. I think most of it is that it is Harvest time and that I am basically a single mom, but I need to get off my soap box and live life and face the challenges like everyone else, and I promise I am trying. When I get in these moods, I avoid phone calls, emails, facebook, snapchats, and even texts. I don’t want to say something that may hurt a relationship with someone who means a lot to me.

Seth has been more than gracious with putting up with me, along with his family. My first thing when I have an episode is I want to leave, I want to drive to the end of the earth and never come back. I can’t count the times I have left in the middle of the night and just drove and drove because I didn’t want to face my thoughts, because my mind continued to play games. Is it childish yes, but when I get in those mindsets its hard to not to take flight when I’m faced with fight or flight. Since having both kids, I haven’t had this issue because I know I CAN’T and will never leave them. Those nights it is so hard fighting the urge to do so, but I don’t.

I know most are reading this and thinking “life is tough, just deal with it”, and I promise you that’s what I am trying to do.

It took me forever to realize that bipolar is like any disease, cancer, high blood pressure, diabetes. It is an issue and it’s not something a person just makes up to take the easy road in life.

So if I see you in public and can’t look you in the eye and talk to you, I apologize now. Just know I am try my hardest. If I slip and put some random self pitty post on Facebook, call me out. Give me a reality check.

I still will never know why this disease decided to surface when it did, but it’s here and it is settled into my brain like the roots you would see on a 200 year old oak tree. I am soaking up the nutrients I need to support and stabilize it though. I am going to a psychiatrist, I am being open and honest about this disease and I am constantly reminding myself life could be so much worse. It could be SOOO much worse.

There are so many nights I lay awake at night and worry about losing someone so close to me. It is one of my biggest fears. Would I be able to make it if something happened to Seth unexpectedly? Could I go on without my rock? Could I go on without the man who has stuck through my side even though I put him through hell? The other day I watched a video about a farmer about our age who was in a farming accident almost burned to death, family was told he would die, but he didn’t. I cried so hard. That could be my husband. These nights I can’t sleep I often end up on the couch but all week I have gone to bed anyways lying awake next to Seth, the snoring grizzly bear, but I do because it could be my last night I have with him. You just never know. Maybe this is another thing triggering me this week.

Sooo as I quit my rambling, just know I am trying. I am giving it all I’ve got. I am growing up. I am facing this battle head on. I have to for the sake of my family and mostly for the sake of those two little blessing sleeping so soundly in their beds as I type away.

I am living like there is no tomorrow. I am spending time playing with my children verses cleaning my house. I am sleeping ( not really sleeping) next to my husband because I can’t even think about how I would feel if I lost out on a night I could sleep next to him. I am loving those who love me, and I am taking care of myself to the best of my ability not only for the sake of me but for the sake of the ones who I love so much.

So tonight  my brain might win, but tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start. A beginning of a day I am blessed to still have a beating heart and the ability to breathe in the fresh crisp fall morning God has blessed me with.

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