I AM STILL HERE

My hands get sweaty (so sweaty you can see a slight imprint when I wipe them on my dress), my heart is beating fast, and my mind is going nonstop.

We are sitting in a pew waiting for our turn to get up and congratulate the new bride and the groom. Instead of enjoying myself I’m frantically worrying about do I shake their hand, do I hug them, do I just do neither?

This is how my mind works. It’s constantly worrying. Fast forward to the reception- the line forms for the food and my husband says let’s get in line. Once again, I begin to think- what if I stand up and my dress is stuck, and I show half the world my underwear? What if I stand up and slip in these heels I’m not used to walking in? What if I hold up the food line and people are thinking hurry the heck up?

This is how my mind works and quite frankly it SUCKS.

I was excited to go to the wedding and enjoy myself. A night out with my husband with no children. My hair was curled, makeup was done and for once in my life I felt pretty.

Leaving that reception that night though left me in the dumps. All because I hate who I’ve become, and I hate what I’ve let my mind do to me.

I long for the old me. The one who was confident. The one who had all the determination in the world and nothing standing in her way. The one who enjoyed being around others and embracing life. The one who knew who she was and where she wanted to go.

As I sit here and write this, I worry it comes off as a self-pity post, but it’s not. I know I need to suck it up and go on, but my mind is basically a disability at times for me and right now I’m disabled. I don’t want to be this way. It kills me that I’m this way.

I hate my children think that I’m “sick all the time” or that mommy isn’t like the other moms. I hate that I can’t be social within a group of moms. School meetings, dance mom hangouts, or just people in general gets me so down in the dumps its hard to get out. I feel like the things that come out of my mouth are stupid, so I just don’t talk. I feel like when I do talk none of it makes sense and I’m just rambling.

I’m seen as weird and I know that. I hate it for my children’s sake. But I AM STILL HERE. My kids are still fed and bathed and given the things they are needed. I may see you in public and turn a blind eye. It’s not because I want to its just how I cope with the situation. I come off as stuck up due to my lack of social skills, but it is what it is. I absolutely hate it for my children. They have that weird mom. They aren’t included in parties and gatherings because I’m that mom, the outcast.

I’m struggling, but I AM STILL HERE. I have two little ones who depend on their weird mom. They miss out on opportunities because of me, but they will grow up with me so that’s truly what counts.

Life is tough, I get that. I hear it all the time. Suck it up, it could be much worse. You are blessed. Life will go on, yours isn’t that bad. This is all true and I know it. My mind just plays games on me and leaves me with a “brain on fire” as I like to call it. It’s hard to put the fire out and when you do you never know when it will light back up.

Check on your friends and family today. Check on their mental well-being. Let them know you’re there and you truly care, let them know you are glad THEY ARE STILL HERE.

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