Today I woke up in the clothes I wore yesterday.
Today I didn’t change out of those clothes I wore yesterday.
Right now, I’m still sitting in the clothes I wore yesterday with the hair I haven’t brushed.
Disgusting I know, but the reality is depression well quite frankly can be a witch.
I went to bed last night with every intention of today being a productive day. That didn’t happen. In fact I didn’t do anything productive until about 10 pm.
Then the guilt sinks in after a very unproductive day. I laid on the couch and watched a movie with the kids, I may have even fallen asleep. I drove to the gas station just to get a Pepsi because mommy had a headache. The counter top full of dishes, well it’s still there. The yard didn’t get mowed. I didn’t play with my kids. My husband didn’t get supper until 10:30. In my defense he wasn’t home until then.
Truth is, I did good to get out of bed today.
People who’ve never faced depression can’t understand. You’re seen as lazy as pulling an excuse, being over dramatic. I’m not going to lie sometimes it feels that way. I have a hard time looking past what others think of me, when lately I can’t push myself to believe that I’m not lazy or playing a pity party.
Want to know what triggered today. Last night we met friends to watch the fireworks. It was hard for me. Small talk is so hard for me, even with people I’ve known for awhile. I’m awkward. So socially awkward. My husband luckily evens that out, but still I’m incredibly weird.
Tomorrow is a new day. A new opportunity a bit of hope. Tomorrow I will be productive. Tomorrow can be 20x better then today or it can be similar to today.
Depression isn’t pretty. In fact it’s disgusting. It takes everything out of you. The joy you once felt doing something. Your energy. Your confidence. It takes your life. It takes your hope.
Tonight I made a list of things I need to get done. Tomorrow I hope to check those off one by one.
In all to God honesty that may not happen. I may wake up in the morning and not have the energy to even shower, or eat. My kids might get another frozen meal. That pile of dishes might get bigger. My husband might come home to no dinner and be out of clean clothes.
That’s just the honest truth. Life is hard. We must push through and I do for the two little ones currently asleep in the other room. We aren’t alone. Depression isn’t an excuse or the easy way out. It’s real. It’s life changing. It’s also something that can make you stronger.
If you are struggling today, you aren’t alone.
Let your dishes pile up.
Forget the laundry.
Your house might not be clean.
But you, you are here. You’ve survived another day another opportunity to push through. That’s what matters.
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