As you sleep, I write this because as normal my mind can’t shut off but you fall asleep on any surface you can find.
Please know I am trying my hardest to keep it all together for the sake of you and our two children.
Please know, I do know how much crap I drag you through day in and day out.
Please know those nights I get so angry and throw things and scream uncontrollably, that is not me…it’s the disease.
Know that when you come home and the house is a mess and the kids are running around with nothing but their diapers and underwear on, I promise I have been productive that day. Though the mounds of laundry, toys strung everywhere, and dirty dishes piling in the sink may say differently. I’m not going to lie there are some days that I am so down that I do nothing but sit there and stare at the wall and take care of the kids to the best of my ability.
Please know that when you text or call and I don’t answer its not because I am ignoring you, its me trying to prevent a fight that I will start because of my own mental problems.
Know that I realize you have stuck by my side even though I have drug you from suicidal intentions, psychiatric wards, depressive worthless episodes and so much disappointment.
Please know I am soooo lonely. You say I have to be happy with myself before I can be happy with our relationship, but I need you to provide me with some things before I can be happy with myself.
Please know I would go to the moon and back for you, our kids, our families, and friends. Please know when I am begging for help that I need it, it’s not an attempt for attention. It is me pushing you away when I need you more than ever. When I need you to show me how loved I am and how much I mean to you.
Please know I love you so much. The things I say during episodes I don’t mean. I don’t mean to be so angry, irritable, or anxious. Bipolar doesn’t have a cure, but it can be managed. With your help and my psychiatrist, I know we can manage it.
PLEASE stay by my side. I need you. I need you to love me. To show me that you are there and always will be. I need to know I am a priority, that I’m not on the back burner. That I rate higher than drinking beer with your buddies. That my opinions matter. That you are still in love with me even though I’ve put you through so much.
I will forever love you, no matter what bipolar Brittany says.
Your Lonely Crazy Wife